your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize