I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What a dumb baby whore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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