And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
