I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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