where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
