You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
