Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
