i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
