maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
