just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
