Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
