Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
