Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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