Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
