U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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