I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
