I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
