Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
