Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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