i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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