the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
