i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
