Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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