Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
