No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
