I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
