he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
