also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize
