You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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