Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
