i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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