I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
