I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
