When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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