Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
