So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize