You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
