Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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