i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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