There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
