I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
did i just pee glitter
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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