Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Randomize
