I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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