It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
