so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
