Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
