Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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