Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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