dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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