Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
