Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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