Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
