Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
