Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
