I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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