woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
