1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
His nipple licking is glorious
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