My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
